“Hey Squeaky,” meowed Tommy. “Come here and check out the real Christmas tree.”
“Yeah,” meowed Squeaky. “I already checked it out. I won’t be able to climb it. The trunk is too skinny and the branches are too thin and too close together.”
“Sorry to hear that,” meowed Tommy. “I knew you were looking forward to climbing a real Christmas tree this year. At least it’s not another artificial tree like the one the human’s put up last year.”
“Ditto that cat man!” meowed Squeaky.
“Hey,” meowed Tommy. “Yesterday I saw David watching the same show again about a deer with a red nose. You know what I don’t understand Squeaky?”
“What is it you don’t understand Tommy?” meowed Squeaky.
“Why the human kids keep watching the same show about a deer year after year. Don’t they know deer don’t fly. Heck, we fly more than the deer do.” meowed Tommy
“Ditto that cat man!” meowed Squeaky. “I lost count how many times I’ve flown through the air out the door when I get the human’s mad at me. By the way, speaking of cats flying, did I ever tell you about my great, great, great, great, great Uncle Sea Cat who drowned in the sea after flying off the deck of a ship?”
“I didn’t know you had an uncle who lived on a ship.” meowed Tommy.
“Oh yeah!” meowed Squeaky. “I’m a descendant from one of the pussies my Uncle Sea Cat mated with in one of the many ports he visited. I don’t know what my uncle looks like, but my momma said she heard he was a handsome cat. She also told me he had a rough life.”
“Wow.” meowed Tommy.
“Yeah,” meowed Squeaky. “He was born in a big town by the sea. When he was two months old, his family was running across the road when they were run over and killed by a horse buggy. My uncle wasn’t with them because he had seen a big rat and stayed behind to kill it for dinner that night.”
“Wow!” meowed Tommy. “He was already killing rats at two months old?”
“Oh yeah!” meowed Squeaky. “Back then cats had to grow up fast. They didn’t have human families who fed them like we have today. Also, cats were bigger in those days. My momma said my Uncle Sea Cat almost weighed close to a pound when he was born. About killed his momma as he was coming out. So by the time a kitten was a month old, they were big enough to hunt rats and birds in order to help feed the family.”
“Wow!” meowed Tommy. “Glad it isn’t like that for us now. I like that we get to hunt for fun, not because we have to.”
“For sure cat man!” meowed Squeaky. “So anyway, after my Uncle Sea Cat killed the rat, he went to find his momma, brothers, and sisters. That’s when he saw them all lying dead in the road. He dropped the rat and ran over to them. Then while he was standing there, crying, and figuring out what to do, another buggy came barreling down the road towards him. He got out of way, but the buggy ran back over his momma and two of his brothers again. It was too much for Uncle Sea Cat so he ran away and left them. I can’t blame him. I mean what was he gonna do? Dig a hole and bury them all. I don’t think so. Unfortunately, because of his seeing his family dead in the middle of the road he became an angry cat.”
“How sad!” meowed Tommy.
“For sure cat man.” meowed Squeaky. “Uncle Sea Cat then spent the rest of his kitten hood wandering the streets stealing food. He had given up hunting because it reminded him of his dead family. He also got into a lot of cat fights and got a reputation as a tough tomcat that took no cat crap. But his downfall was when he started hanging out with the cute felines. That’s how he got shanghaied and ended up on a ship being forced to hunt and kill the rats. And even though he hated it, my momma said it helped Uncle Sea Cat improve his life.
“One day my Uncle Sea Cat was chasing a really fat rat when it ran into the captain’s quarters. The captain was there and saw how efficiently my Uncle Sea Cat killed the rat. The captain was so impressed that he made my uncle his pet and named him Set Cat. Momma said the captain then kept my uncle locked in the cabin so his killing days were over which made him happy. However, the captain liked to tip the bottle and pour his heart out to my uncle, which he didn’t like.”
“Wow!” meowed Tommy, “that’s a nifty cat story. None of my relatives or I ever lived on a ship. Then again, why would we? We’re all terrified of water.”
“For sure cat man!” meowed Squeaky. “I couldn’t live like that either. I like knowing where I’m going to be living day after day, year after year. But my Uncle Sea Cat loved his life as a traveling sea cat and the many feline pussy ports he visited.
“My momma said that Uncle Sea Cat’s aunt once tried to get my uncle to settle down and have a family but he wouldn’t have it. Which I can understand. Myself, I think if some feline tried to tie me down to a commitment, I wouldn’t do it. You know I sometimes think I inherited my uncles ‘fear of feline commitment’ gene.”
“I’ve never heard of that gene,” meowed Tommy. “Myself, I’ve thought about a cat commitment, but so far I’ve not met the right cat for me.”
“Well,” meowed Squeaky, “We’re all here for a reason and we can’t lay around wondering why. I know my Uncle Sea Cat didn’t. He lived life to the fullest and never let any cat pull him under the litter box. I wish I had his courage. I mean I feel like I’m always trying to please everyone.”
“No way!” meowed Tommy. “I don’t think you’re a pleaser. You might be rude sometimes, but you’re definitely not a pleaser.”
“I beg your pardon!” meowed Squeaky. “I’ve always been considerate of others.”
“Oh yeah?” meowed Tommy. “Then how come you’re always getting Rex riled up when he’s in the house by playing with his tail? You’re lucky that Rex isn’t like other dogs that would tear you apart. And then when you’re in the backyard, I see you sticking your nose in Rex’s food dish while he’s watching from inside the house. I wouldn’t go near his food. Someday one of the human’s are going to open the arcadia door to let Rex out and he will catch you! Sounds like a death wish to me.”
“That was over a year ago!” meowed Squeaky. “I can’t believe you’re still making a big deal about my eating out of Rex’s food dish that one time when I first moved here! I wanted to see what dog food tasted like because I had never lived around dogs before. I didn’t like it because it was too large and hard to chew on and the taste was weird. And I have never played with Rex’s tail. I think you have me confused with another cat. And the only time I go near the backyard is to walk along the top of the brick wall. And even though Rex gets up on his hind legs, he can’t reach me because black dogs can’t jump that high!”
“You’ve been just flat out lucky Rex never got you.” meowed Tommy. “You know full well the fence is his domain and he’s going to protect it at any costs.”
“Okay!” meowed Squeaky. “It’s time to drop the subject and move on. Besides I have something more interesting to tell you. I was listing to a TV show about how our earth is going to be invaded by a thing called the photon belt.”
“A photon belt?” meowed Tommy. “Is that like a karate belt?”
“No.” meowed Squeaky. “It’s going to create earth changes that will stop the can opener from working.”
“Wow!” meowed Tommy. “No can opener? That means no tuna juice or canned cat food for us. What else did you hear?”
“That we would be rescued by the aliens from outer space. They will come in things called UFO’s.” meowed Squeaky.
“Okay Squeaky,” meowed Tommy. “You have definitely flipped your fur. There are no aliens and UFO’s. You should rethink your position.”
“And I thought you were open-minded.” meowed Squeaky. “I’m disappointed in you Tommy.”
”Well then be disappointed.” meowed Tommy. “I don’t think everything you hear on TV is the whole cat truth, nothing but the cat truth so help the cat God of good cat cuisine. I should know because you weren’t even a meow in your momma’s eye when I moved in with the humans.”
“So what! I still know what I heard on TV. And as you know, Mr. Smarty Cat, they can’t put anything on TV that isn’t true.” meowed Squeaky.
“Oh please!” meowed Tommy.
“Well,” meowed Squeaky. “I still think UFO’s are real. I’ve heard the humans talk about them. I even heard that there are Martians living inside of Mars.”
“Stop!” meowed Tommy. “Enough of your catty gibberish! I don’t want to hear anymore about spaceships. The important thing is we’re living a much easier life than your Uncle Sea Cat ever did. All we have to do is let our human owners pet us, and keep them company by sleeping on their beds, sitting on their laps, and eating the food they buy us. So if you will excuse me, I am going to go take a catnap.”
”Oh well,” meowed Squeaky. “I should have known better then to tell you what I know. I guess I will just have to go talk to Bambi. At least she listens to everything I say!”
“You’re right about that!” meowed Tommy. “Bambi is about the only cat who actually gives a damn about your cat crap!”
“Hey watch your mouth cat man or I will hog the cat food dish all day tomorrow.” growled Squeaky.
“Just try!” growled Tommy as he walked away. “I’ll get Rex to give you a bath with his tongue! Slobber, slobber drippy cat, ha ha!”
“Oh you think you’re so clever!” growled Squeaky.
“I am,” growled Tommy, “and thanks for acknowledging it Mr. Know-it-all cat. Not if you’ll excuse me, I’m tired and going to bed.”
“Don’t let the aliens bite!” growled Squeaky.